The Moonlight Monsters Detective Agency Volume One Read online

  ‘Freeze!’ Tina ordered.

  “Piss off love!” Parker thought and turned off an alley up ahead.

  With a roar, Boris turned one quarter bear and then bounded after him at breakneck speed.

  By the time Tina rounded the alley Boris already had their perp pinned to the wall. By now, under the cover of the dark alley, her partner had permitted himself to go almost full ursine. Most of his body was covered in tufts of thick grey hair and he’d grown to a size roughly three times as big as his human form. Clutched in his giant paws was Sam Parker.

  The vampire was panting and he had a nasty scratch on his unshaved cheek, but he still smiled when Tina came up to him. ‘Alright love,’ he grinned, ‘he’s a handsome one this fella, eh? What’s your secret then big man – testosterone in the porridge at breakfast?’

  ‘Shut it,’ Boris growled.

  ‘You read him his rights?’ Tina asked.

  ‘Yeah,’ Boris nodded.

  ‘Tried to anyway,’ Parker said, ‘although it’s not easy to understand when it comes from the maws of Grizzly Adam’s illegitimate love child.’ He gave Tina a quick once over and smiled. ‘You’re not bad looking though, eh love? I knew you’d be pretty when I felt you poking around in my noggin…’

  ‘In your dreams leechbreath.’

  Sam Parker shrugged. ‘Don’t worry,’ he said, ‘you’re not my type. I don’t mess with demons. Had a bad experience once.’

  Tina was a little taken aback at that. Not many people could tell she was demon at first meeting. This guy was good, even if he was a total dick.

  ‘Smelt it on you love,’ Parker smiled, noting her surprise, ‘does me a lot of good to have a nose that’s particularly honed in to danger. Speaking of which, what’s this boy been rolling in? Cor Blimey, smells like a dead crocodile.’

  ‘There was an accident at the office,’ Boris muttered.

  Tina frowned. ‘Hey Parker,’ she said, ‘keep your mouth shut. We’re the ones who ask the questions around here.’

  ‘Oh yeah? Parker smirked, ‘Well why don’t you just forego the questions and go straight to the source? Or do you not have the skills to take me on?

  ‘Ha! I’d break your defenses down in fifteen minutes if I wanted to,’ Tina told him, ‘I’m just afraid of what other filthy thoughts I might dig up…’

  Parker shrugged. ‘Can’t say I blame you,’ he said.

  ‘Ok, enough bullshit, we’re taking you back to the station.’

  For the first time since he’d been intercepted, Sam Parker looked flustered. ‘Hey hold on a second,’ he said, ‘why can’t you just give me a warning here? Let me off with a slap on the wrist?’

  ‘You’ve committed a serious crime,’ Tina said, ‘that’s why. Come on Boris, we’re taking him in.’

  Boris grabbed the vampire by the shoulders and pulled him forward.

  ‘Wait, wait, Goddamn it,’ Parker cried, ‘listen – I’m on a case here. There’s a real crime that’s gone on and I was just now in the middle of solving it before you two well-meaning morons showed up.’

  ‘Watch it,’ Tina said. She considered her options for a second. I suppose it couldn’t hurt to hear him out, she reasoned. ‘Ok,’ she said, ‘you got five minutes. What are you saying here?’

  ‘Thank you,’ Parker said, as Boris relaxed his hairy grip. The vampire made a show of dusting off his overcoat before continuing. ‘Well this guy came into my office yesterday, yeah? A normal like, just a regular family guy. Said he’d been ripped off by some shady con-artist.’

  ‘Keep talking.’

  ‘Well here’s the thing: I’m a paranormal PI, right? I mean that’s my gig and that’s how I advertise myself. So apparently there was more going on here than some huckster taking a shot at an easy mark. From the way this guy told it, he’d been hypnotized – and not your textbook Tony Robbins type shit – I mean this guy was under a seriously deep-trance, going on a full week, from the moment he first met the conman till he signed away his lifesavings and the guy disappeared right out of his life. He couldn’t remember anything; not the guy’s name, not the clothes he wore and not even his face. All he could recall was a pair of gleaming silver eyes…’

  ‘So why the hell didn’t he come to us then?’ Boris asked, ‘that’s our job after all.’

  Sam looked the hulking grey werebear up and down. ‘Blimey,’ he said, ‘I can think of a reason or two.’

  ‘Mind your manners you little bloodsucker,’ Boris growled, ‘or I’ll snap you like a twig.’

  ‘Yeah ok big guy,’ Parker said, ‘but seriously, you people don’t exactly make it easy for the normals to find you when they need to, do you?’

  ‘You know how it is,’ Tina said, ‘as far as they’re concerned we’re not even supposed to exist.’

  ‘Exactly. And that’s where I come in. Because the thing is we do exist, whether you deny it to them or not, and sometimes the normals get involved – even though they’re not supposed to. So you could say I found a niche in the market. When the normals get hurt by a rogue creature and they haven’t got a soul in the world to turn to then they can come to me…’

  ‘You sound like a real saint,’ Tina said, ‘and what makes you think you have the expertise for the job? How did you even track this guy down if the victim couldn’t remember anything?’

  ‘Aha,’ Parker smiled, ‘well our magician made one mistake, didn’t he? As a sign of good faith he made the family man a gift of a priceless gold statue – though in reality it was just a piece of polished wood, but try telling that to a man in deep-trance, right? Anyway, the bastard’s scent was all over it. Remember that good nose of mine, eh?’

  Ok, Tina had to admit she was a little bit impressed here – not that she was going to let Sam Parker know; telepathy was her thing.

  ‘So I tracked him down to an apartment-building,’ Parker continued, ‘since the room’s pretty bare I’m fairly confident it’s not the guy’s usual place of residence. But there are still a couple of suitcases and toiletries in there so if he’s going to make a run for it then he definitely hasn’t left yet…’

  Tina exchanged glances with her partner. Boris shrugged. ‘Ok,’ she said, ‘take us to the apartment. But if any of this is anyways different from how you told it then Boris here will you rip you to shreds. Am I loud and clear on that?’

  ‘It’s as if you beamed the words right into my mind,’ Parker smiled and lit up a cigarette.

  ‘Ok,’ Parker whispered, as they ducked across the rooftop, ‘the room’s on the fourth floor. You can get a good look from this fire-escape over here.’

  ‘You know what number it is?’

  ‘What?’ Parker grinned, ‘you think I’m a rookie or something? It’s four twenty love, you have to wiggle the key a bit to get in.’

  ‘Right then, Boris you get in there and find somewhere out of sight. When the perp enters the room I’ll beam you a head’s up.’

  ‘Got it,’ Boris nodded and bounded over to a stairwell.

  Tina and Parker continued to the fire-escape. ‘You go down first,’ she said, ‘and by Christ you better not try anything funny here…’

  ‘Hey,’ Parker shrugged, ‘like I said; I’m not into demons.’

  The fire-escape was old and rusty, hanging precariously over a dark alleyway below. Tina and Parker moved down the metal ladders to the fourth-floor.

  ‘This is it,’ Parker said, motioning to the window, ‘see, it’s just like I told you.’

  Inside, the room was indeed bare. Even the mattress on the king-sized bed was only partially covered with a flimsy sheet. On the dresser were a couple of suitcases, one of which was open and filled with neatly folded clothes. Through the open wardrobe Tina spied a couple of expensive suits hanging on the rack. The guy had rich tastes anyway.

  ‘So now what?’ she said.

  ‘Now we wait, I guess,’ Parker replied. He reached into his bulky overcoat and pulled out a fifth of whiskey. ‘You want a drink, love?’

 
‘No,’ Tina said, ‘I never drink on the job.’

  ‘Suit yourself. Always found it makes the work a little more fun myself, but maybe that’s just me.’ Parker unscrewed the bottle and took a lengthy slug.

  ‘So how long have you been a vamp then?’ Tina asked him.

  ‘Since the seventies,’ Parker said, ‘you know how it was back in those days. Crazy times.’

  A young one then? This guy was full of surprises. Tina considered his face as Parker peered through the window. She couldn’t see much behind the extra-black vampire-grade aviator shades and the black hood pulled tightly over his head.

  ‘Yeah I know what you’re thinking,’ Parker said without turning away from the window. ‘And no: I’m a pig-blood man tried and true. Only had the real stuff once and believe you me the guy deserved it. And I let him go anyway, just in case you’re wondering.’

  ‘Do you ever regret making the change?’

  ‘Ha,’ Parker snorted, ‘all the time love. Every bloody day – if you’ll excuse the pun. But then it wasn’t my choice in the first place, so at least I don’t have that particular cross to bear.’

  ‘Really?’ Tina asked, ‘that’s pretty rare, isn’t it? For a vampire to turn someone who didn’t ask for it…’

  ‘So I’ve heard.’

  ‘So what happened – if you’re comfortable talking about it that is?’

  Parker smiled. ‘Oh yeah,’ he said, ‘all just blood under the bridge by now, innit? Well I guess you could say I fell afoul of a certain east-end gangster, who just so happened to be well-known for his particularly sick and twisted imagination…’

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘Yeah, but I got my own back on him in the end,’ Parker said, ‘that one time I tasted the real stuff? Make a guess whose it was.’

  ‘Jesus,’ Tina breathed. Sam Parker was full of surprises alright.

  ‘Oy, oy,’ the British vampire whispered, ‘looks like the man of the house is home.’

  Inside, a tall gaunt man with long dark hair and piercing silver eyes had just entered the room. Following behind him was another man; a bald, piggish guy in a pinstripe business-suit.

  “Boris?” Tina beamed, “He’s home. There’s a second guy too. Are you close?”

  “Ya, I’m just around the corner. I heard them talking on their way past, sounds like they’re making some kind of deal…”

  “Ok, wait there. I’ll send word when it’s time to move.”

  Inside the room, the gaunt magician kneeled down and pulled a briefcase out from under the bed. The businessman had a case of his own and he placed it gently on the mattress.

  ‘You know who that guy is?’ Tina asked.

  ‘Not a clue,’ Sam answered, ‘you gonna try reading him?’

  ‘No,’ Tina said, ‘too risky – he could be prepared for it. I’m definitely getting an otherworldly vibe of your man.’

  ‘Yeah, I picked up something like that too.’

  The hypnotist clicked open his case and presented it to his accomplice. It was filled with fifty-dollar bills.

  ‘That’s my family man’s savings,’ Parker whispered.

  The fat guy smiled as he took the case with the cash and then beckoned for the magician to open his one. It was loaded with plastic-wrapped bricks of cocaine.

  ‘Blimey,’ Parker whispered, ‘there’s enough ching in there to crash Wall Street.’

  ‘Ok,’ Tina said, ‘we’ve seen enough. Boris can you hear me?’

  “I hear you.”

  ‘Get in there pronto – both guys are by the bed and they don’t look armed.’

  “As long as the bullets aren’t silver then I’m fine.”

  Tina reached into her pocket and pulled out her weapon. ‘You ready for this?’

  ‘Yeah, about that,’ Parker said, ‘all I want is to get my money back to my customer and walk away from this, yeah? You’ve got the real criminals here, so that should makes us all cool…’

  ‘We’ll make sure the money gets back to its rightful owner,’ Tina said.

  ‘Can’t you just let me take it?’ Parker asked, ‘I mean, what good’s a PI when the cops’ll do the job for free?’

  ‘What’s the guy’s address?’ Tina asked. ‘We’ll make sure he knows this wouldn’t have happened without you.’

  ‘Oh dammit then,’ Parker sighed, ‘fine. His name’s Robert Stoker, lives in Broadway Drive in the north suburbs. Think the house number was sixty-eight or sixty-nine. Shouldn’t be too hard to find.’

  ‘Got it. Ok, I’m going in. You wait here and cover me in case anything goes wrong.’

  At that moment the snarling, roaring hairy grey monster that was Boris Rachmaninoff in full bear form came tearing into the room. With all the force she could muster Tina drove her foot through the window and pointed her weapon inside.

  ‘SDA,’ she cried, ‘hit the floor!’

  She kicked the rest of the glass in and then climbed inside as the two men threw themselves down on the ground, the fat one literally shaking with fear.

  ‘Book em Boris,’ she ordered and Boris slowly began to shift back into his human form.

  ‘Hands behind backs,’ he ordered as he kneeled down to cuff the suspects.

  ‘That’s quite a supply of cocaine, you got there,’ Tina said, ‘you boys getting ready for a little party and play in here?’

  ‘I’m saying nothing,’ the fat man squawked in a thick New Jersey accent.

  Yeah we’ll see about that, Tina thought to herself and drifted into his mind.

  “…Oh shit, oh shit oh, shit. Whatever you do don’t tell them about Antonio, don’t tell them about Antonio, he’ll kill you man…”

  Hah, too easy. This sorry normal drug-peddler would be like putty in her hands. Tina looked at the other guy. He hadn’t spoken a word yet.

  ‘And what’s your story, tall, dark and frightening?’ she asked, ‘you think it’s ok to steal hard-earned cash from family men?’

  The guy just sneered and kept his mouth shut.

  Ok then, Tina thought, and began to inch into his mind.

  “………………………………………………………”

  Nothing. Kaput. Completely blank. This guy had some skills. Obviously he was a lot more than just your average have-a-go magician con-artist.

  ‘Yeah, well we’ll find out what your story is one way or another,’ Tina told him, ‘you’re in the system now. By the looks of you I’d guess you know what kind of resources the S.D.A. have at their disposal…’

  ‘Let’s just get this over with,’ the guy said in a thick European accent.

  ‘Fine by me,’ Tina shrugged, ‘let’s take these assholes in…’

  As Boris forced their prisoners to their feet, Tina looked back at the broken window. Sam Parker was gone.

  Back at the office Tina and Boris escorted the criminals down to the basement cells, where they were each placed in separate interrogation booths.

  ‘Ok,’ Tina said, pausing in the corridor outside, ‘You take the cash up to Parker’s family man. Guy’s called Robert Stoker, lives up in Broadway Drive, number sixty-eight or sixty-nine.’

  ‘No problem.’ Boris nodded.

  ‘And make sure there’s no doubt left in his mind that this was all just a regular crime. Hypnotism like that only happens on television, right? Make sure he knows it.’

  ‘Got ya.’

  Boris headed on upstairs and Tina prepared herself for the interrogation. She’d go with the easy one to begin with – the dumbass Mafioso from New Jersey.

  Within five minutes Tina had everything she needed. She didn’t even have to ask a single question, just read it all right out of his mind. Guy was a normal, albeit a gangster normal, who thought he was doing a regular drug deal with a regular customer. Unfortunately he didn’t know anything about the other guy beyond the name – D.A. – which was in all likelihood just an alias set up for that deal alone. But with all the information she was able to glean about his mafia bosses back home, Tina reckone
d the regular cops would be able to make a pretty strong case, so there was that at least. Later that day she’d call Chuck Valchek, her connection at the MCPD, and hand him over. Something told her the next guy wouldn’t be quite so easy.

  And he wasn’t. After an hour of questioning Tina hadn’t gotten a single answer, inside or outside of his mind. The powerful psychic defenses he’d set up hadn’t budged one inch in all that time. Tina stepped outside for a break and was met immediately by Ernie in the corridor.

  ‘We’ve got a problem,’ he said.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘Your guy there’s got connections,’ Ernie said, ‘serious connections. He’s demon royalty, sounds like one of the old families too.’

  ‘So what are you saying here?’

  ‘We have to let him go,’ Ernie answered, ‘Institute orders.’

  ‘Ah shit,’ Tina cried, ‘are you kidding me? We just caught this punk trying to buy almost a quarter million’s worth of cocaine! With stolen money no less!’

  Ernie shrugged. ‘It’s what we’ve got to do.’

  ‘Goddamn it to hell!’ Tina cried and stormed back into the interrogation room.

  The perp was already standing up. ‘It’s time for me to go then, no?’ he said, ‘good, I’m getting hungry.’

  Well at least they’d retrieved the stolen money for Robert Stoker, Tina reflected as she trudged upstairs to make herself a cup of coffee. At least there was that.

  She took her cup to the window and looked out at the skyline of Moonlight City. The sun was starting to set. Chances were they’d get at least one more serious call before the night was through. For a moment she thought about Sam Parker. Sure the guy had been a bit of an asshole, but there was something about him. Try as she might she just could not get his face out of her head.

  Her cellphone started to ring. She took it out and looked at the number. It was Boris.

  ‘Shoot.’

  ‘Hey Tina, we got a problem…’

  ‘Oh jeez,’ she muttered, ‘what is it this time?’

  ‘It’s Robert Stoker. He don’t exist.’