The Moonlight Monsters Detective Agency Volume One Read online

  As soon as he spotted her Parker stepped forward from the wall and waved.

  ‘Hey Tina!’ he called, ‘you made it, I wasn’t sure you’d come.’

  Tina came closer, her face breaking out in a cold smile. ‘Oh I wouldn’t miss it for the world Parker.’ In an instant, she pulled out her gun. ‘You’re under arrest under section eight of the Alighieri Act – practicing detection without a license.’

  ‘Aw Jesus Tina,’ Parker frowned, ‘you must be joking love – this is no time to be playing the bravado act. Some serious shit is about to go down here, for God’s sake…’

  ‘Save it for the interrogation,’ Tina commanded, ‘now turn around slowly and place your hands on your head.’

  Parker sighed and did as she said. ‘Ah Christ love,’ he muttered, ‘if that’s how you want to play it then.’

  With her weapon still cocked, Tina inched forward. She cuffed him.

  ‘Who’s playing?’ she asked, as she roughly squeezed the cold metal around his wrists. ‘You know, maybe that’s what your problem is – nothing’s ever serious to you.’

  Parker snorted. ‘Oh trust me,’ he said, ‘I’m being bloody well serious right now. Some “seriously” heavy shit is about to go down and you’re up here wasting your time playing cops and robbers with me.’

  Tina reached forward and quickly frisked her prisoner. Her hand rested on a bulge in his inside pocket.

  ‘And what do we have here then?’ she asked, pulling out a small pistol ‘you planning to pull this on me, you two-bit blood-sucker?’

  Parker sighed. ‘Jesus Tina. No, I swear. Just hear me out for a second and then you’ll understand exactly why I’m packing heat.’

  ‘Yeah right,’ Tina muttered, ‘start walking.’

  ‘I’m trying to do you a solid here,’ Parker protested as she nudged him forward towards the car.

  She opened the back door and forced him inside.

  ‘I don’t think you’ve ever done a “solid” for anybody but yourself,’ she said.

  Parker leaned forward against the metal grille as Tina climbed into the driver’s seat.

  ‘So where’s Logi Bear then?’ he asked.

  Tina turned the ignition. ‘Agent Rachmaninoff had some business across town,’ she said and pulled the car back around towards the exit.

  In fact Detective Boris Rachmaninoff – Tina’s partner and Russian werebear at large – had requested the afternoon off to go Christmas shopping for his huge clan of children. His wife had died a few years back and the day had been quiet so Tina was happy to oblige.

  ‘Yeah well I just hope he’s somewhere nearby when it all kicks off tonight,’ Parker continued, ‘at least that way, one of you will be fit to do something.’

  Tina sighed. ‘Goddamn it, ok then,’ she said, ‘if it’ll shut you up, you have five minutes – but just bear in mind that the last time I gave you that much what you told me turned out to be a pack of lies…’

  ‘Half-lies love,’ Parker corrected, ‘and they were half-lies that just so happened to lead you to a massive drug deal, so cut me some slack here.’

  Tina pulled the car back out onto the street – and into the never-ending stream of Christmas traffic.

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, ‘and what about Robert Stoker? That wasn’t just some little white lie, was it? Not when a quarter of a million dollars were on the line…’

  ‘Yeah ok,’ Parker sighed, ‘I owe you an explanation – and I promise I’ll give it to you, but first let’s deal with the matter at hand.’

  ‘Go ahead, just remember I’ve got good reason not to believe a single word out of your rat-mouth.’

  ‘Ouch,’ Parker said, ‘that really hurts. No need to get personal here.’

  ‘Speak or I’ll shut you up for good.’

  ‘Whatever,’ Parker shrugged, ‘Anyway listen, I’ve been holed up in a little town in Burlington County. Ardent Meadows you know it?’

  ‘Yeah, I know it.’

  Yeah well anyway, I knew you’d been trying to lay me a honey pot when we spoke on the phone a few days ago. For a psychic you’re not much of a liar, love.’

  Tina said nothing; she wasn’t taking the bait. A moment later Parker continued.

  ‘So sue me,’ he said, ‘I didn’t want to show up just so you could bang me in a cell and start gloating about how clever you all are. I mean, would you have done any different in that situation?’

  ‘I wouldn’t have been in that situation,’ Tina answered.

  Parker shrugged. ‘Differing life choices,’ he said, ‘not much we can do about it now. But ask yourself one thing: if I knew you were planning to betray me, then why would I call you today? And how come I didn’t even mention the cash on the phone?’

  Dammit, Tina thought, the bastard was starting to get to her. What if he was telling the truth? Would it be worth it to take him in if something bad really was about to happen?

  ‘Maybe because you were planning to lay out a honey pot of your own,’ she said. ‘By the way, you got a license for that gun Sam?’

  ‘Just hear me out,’ Parker said, ‘while I was up in Ardent Meadows I heard about a little underground card game and decided to take a look. I’m a master hand at poker – though you can probably guess that already, right?’

  ‘Lying to trick other people out of money?’ Tina said, ‘No, not you.’

  ‘Well the tourney was a mix of monsters and seedy normals alike, right? Real slimebags here, not my usual kind of people…’

  ‘Really? They sound exactly like your kind of people.’

  ‘Just shut up and let me speak a minute, will you?’ Parker continued, ‘some scumbag part-demon started boasting about how he knew of some bad shit that was about to go down in Moonlight City. I started prying for more information, letting on I thought it was all good fun. Anyway, this joker said he had it from a good source that a gang of Krampi were loose in the city. And they were fixing to go wild – today.’

  ‘Krampi?’ Tina snorted, ‘Are you a total moron? Or do you think I am? I’ve lived my whole life in America and I’ve never once heard of a Krampus over here. Is that really the best you could do?’

  Krampi were low-level winter demons who inhabited the mountains of northern Europe and the Alpine regions, though even there they were a dying race these days. They were violent capricious creatures, who lived for chaos and madness – and they weren’t known for their intelligence or ability to plan ahead.

  ‘No,’ Parker said, ‘for your information, that’s not the best I could do. I’m an expert at spinning tales, love, just ask Robert Stoker – so why the damn hell would I make this one up?’

  Tina mulled it over. She had to admit Parker was capable of something a little better than that. But Krampi? Seriously?

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, ‘then how the hell did they get here then? As far as I’ve heard, the Krampi couldn’t even organize themselves down from the mountains to raid a village without fighting amongst themselves.’

  ‘I don’t know love,’ Parker sighed, ‘all I know is there’s five of the buggers loose in Moonlight City and they’re planning to wreak havoc on a bunch of malls all over the city. That’s why I asked you to meet me at Waterside.’

  Tina glanced in the rearview mirror. ‘You saying there’s a Krampus at Waterside?’

  ‘I don’t know, do I? But I figured it would be a good place to start at least.’

  Tina thought about it for a few minutes. Parker did look pretty upset and she had to admit that his story added up – even if it was a little far-fetched.

  ‘Ok, Parker,’ she sighed, ‘I’ll check it out. But first I’m driving you back to HQ and putting you in lock-up. You just bought yourself an extra few hours in the cell.’

  ‘Fine by me,’ Parker replied, ‘just as long as you sort it out before the whole city gets destroyed.’

  Tina eyed him warily in the mirror. ‘But if I find out you’re lying to me again, so help me God, I’ll wipe that blood-sucking grin off your face.�
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  ‘Hey tough guy,’ Parker shrugged, ‘you’re looking in the mirror – who’s smiling?’

  At that moment Tina’s phone started to ring. It was Boris. She clicked it open.

  ‘Hey Boris, I got him–’

  At the other end of the line Boris’s voice was flustered as he cut her off. ‘Never mind that,’ he shouted, ‘I’m out at the Castletown Heights shopping mall up north – some bad govno is going down out here…’

  ‘What’s up?’

  ‘All hell’s broken loose. A Store Santa’s flipped the lid. He’s throwing crap everywhere. As if that’s not bad enough though, I’m getting a rotten scent off him. I think he might be demon.’

  ‘Oh shit,’ Tina groaned, ‘can you handle it by yourself?’

  ‘Ya,’ Boris answered. In the background Tina could hear the sound of shoppers screaming. ‘Just give me a second to find somewhere safe to hide my presents.’

  Tina rubbed her temple as she spoke. ‘Ok Boris, listen,’ she said, ‘I have a reason to believe it’s a Krampus you’re dealing with…’

  ‘A Krampus?’

  ‘Yeah, and I think there might be more of them around the city. Four, in fact.’

  In the backseat Parker grinned. ‘Told you so.’

  ‘I’m heading back South to see if I can pick one up,’ Tina told her partner, ‘give me a call as soon as you’re finished out there.’

  ‘Ten four,’ Boris answered and hung up the phone.

  Tina grabbed the portable siren out of the glove compartment and stuck it on the roof. With the siren blaring, she pulled out of the lane and spun the car around, driving halfway on the sidewalk to get around the traffic. She let her mind filter out across the city searching for an infernal presence. She ebbed through the frantic hum of Christmas shoppers stressing about the season, moving south towards the Waterside Shopping Mall. With one eye on the road she moved closer to the shopping center.

  ‘Hey watch it love,’ Parker protested as she swerved around a fire hydrant.

  Tina ignored him. She was close now and she could feel the Krampus somewhere up ahead. The demon’s mind buzzed and flickered with dull evil. She honed in on his line of vision and clasped her hand to her mouth in shock.

  ‘Oh Jesus,’ she whispered, ‘the bastard’s dressed as Santa Claus…’

  Through the Krampus’s vision, she saw a long line of children lining up, their bored parents standing beside them. At least that meant it hadn’t started rioting yet.

  As they approached the Waterside Multistory parking lot, Parker leaned forward in the backseat. ‘I guess you should have listened to me to begin with then, eh?’

  ‘Yeah well maybe I would have if you weren’t such a bullshitter,’ Tina muttered.

  ‘Whatever,’ Parker shrugged, ‘so you’ll give me back my pistol then, yeah? I’ll cover you while you move in for the kill.’

  ‘Hah!’ Tina snorted, ‘you’re staying in the car until all this is dealt with.’

  ‘Fine,’ Parker said, sounding a little disappointed but trying to hide it. ‘Your choice then.’

  Tina reached the entrance to the car park and, with the siren still blaring, swerved inside. She rolled down the window and flashed her badge at the attendant.

  ‘SDA!’ she roared, Open up.’

  Looking seriously spooked, the teenage attendant opened up the barrier and Tina powered on through. She sped down towards the mall entrance and pulled the car up beside the wall.

  She opened the door and then looked back to her prisoner. ‘You just sit tight,’ she said, ‘me and you are still due an interrogation and we’re going to get it, one way or another.’ she opened the door and stepped out.

  ‘Can’t wait love,’ Parker called after her, ‘just don’t go getting yourself killed out there, alright?’

  Tina slammed the door and headed into the mall.

  Inside it was all bright lights and tinsel, cheesy Christmas songs playing over the loudspeaker. But something wasn’t right. The few shoppers she passed were terrified – and they were all running in the direction of the car park away from the center of the mall.

  Tina felt her way ahead of her with her mind as she stalked, pistol drawn, deeper into the emptying mall. The Krampus was close, on the floor down below. She approached the escalators and cursed as she saw that both sets were full of shoppers fleeing upwards away from the commotion. Pushing her way past them she hopped up on the arm-rest and slid down.

  She reached the ground floor. Up ahead, she could see a Santa’s grotto and Christmas tree. She could hear the throaty giggling and spitting of her target. And then she saw him, halfway up the Christmas tree, with his hands full of fake wrapped presents and a nefarious grin on his face.

  The Krampus had a long, goatish head with huge curved horns and cruel yellow eyes. Its arms and legs were long and hairy – sinewy – and they were wrapped around the huge decorated Christmas tree. Every now and then it took careful aim at a fleeing shopper and launched one of the presents with great force after them. Tina started to run towards it.

  ‘Hey asshole!’ she roared, ‘freeze!’

  The Krampus jerked its head in her direction and narrowed its eyes. In a flash it scampered around to the other side of the tree.

  Tina pulled out her pistol and loaded it. Normal bullets wouldn’t do much to a Krampus unless she got it right between the eyes, but luckily hers were SDA grade – made of steel with a tiny vial of holy water in each one, plus a massive punch of gunpowder to fire the message home. Not only that but each bullet had been individually blessed with a variety of spells and hexes at one of the special ammunitions factories owned by the Byron Shelly Institute (the loose organization that navigated the SDA). All she’d have to do was graze the bastard and he’d be toast.

  As she stalked forward, she kept her gun pointed at the tree. Every now and then the Krampus would dart its head around the corner to get a look at her before disappearing again. The bastard might be dumb as a bag of hammers but it was certainly fast.

  Suddenly it popped all the way out around the tree and launched one of its makeshift missiles at her. Tina fired a shot as the present zoomed past her head at breakneck speed. Not only was the thing fast, but it was also strong.

  Her bullet had missed – she knew because she could still feel the creature’s dull conniving mind whirr as it tried to outwit her. She moved in closer, it was about to launch another box – from the right-hand side of the tree this time – and that was when Tina would take it down.

  With her eye leveled carefully on her crosshairs, she watched as the Krampus popped out and fired a large yellow-wrapped box at her. She squeezed one out and the demon howled in pain. A second later the box hit her with the force of a thousand punches in the gut and she fell to the ground.

  Christ, the asshole had knocked the wind right out of her. Wincing with pain and gasping to regain her breath she sent out her mind to make sure she’d definitely hit him. She had – the demon was stone-cold dead.

  Well there was that at least, she reflected as she forced herself to sit up. The pain was immense. She opened her coat and pulled out her shirt, shakily undoing a few buttons.

  ‘Shit,’ she muttered as she checked out the damage. There was a huge welt on her ribs. The collision had even broken blood.

  Tina stood up and closed her jacket. She’d have to call the Infirmary to deal with the dead Krampus. And then she’d need to find the others before someone got killed.

  The Infirmary were a brotherhood of psychic monks who specialized in supernatural medical aid. They got their funding from the Byron Shelly Institute too, so whenever the SDA needed to dispose of some magical criminal waste then that was who they called. Tina only hoped they could get here before the regular cops showed up and came across the dead Krampus. She’d have a hell of a time explaining that one.

  She pulled out her cell and dialed the Infirmary.

  ‘Hello?’ the receptionist answered in a deadpan voice.

  �
�Hello Janice? Tina Peterson here. I’ve got a messy situation, can you spare a team of cleaners?’

  ‘Let me guess, a Krampus, right?’

  ‘How’d you know?’

  ‘Your partner just called from Castletown Heights,’ Janice replied.

  ‘Shit,’ Tina said, ‘Boris, is he ok?’

  ‘He’s fine sweetie,’ the receptionist told her, ‘but what about you? You sound awful.’

  ‘I’m ok,’ Tina said, ‘just get a team out to Waterside Shopping Mall as soon as you can. I’ll be in touch later, there’s more of these things out there still, so stay alert.’

  She hung up the phone and continued back out to the parking lot.

  ‘Jesus love,’ Parker called as she climbed into the car, ‘you alright?’

  ‘Shut up.’ Tina replied.

  She reached over to the glove compartment and pulled out a map. Boris’s mall was up north, while the Waterside was pretty much slap bang in the center of the city. That left three more major malls – one on the eastside, one on the west and the biggest of all, a huge plaza south of the city on the Interstate. Chances were it would be those that the remaining Krampi had targeted.

  She closed her eyes and let her mind slip out, travelling at whirlwind speed to the east of the city. She honed in – and got him. The scumbag was kicking up a stink not unlike the one she’d just busted in Waterside. Next she went south to the interstate. There were two of them this time and, though they hadn’t let loose yet, it was sure to be messy when they did. She pulled out her cellphone and called Boris.

  ‘Hello?’

  The Russian werebear sounded a little dazed but otherwise alright.

  ‘Hey Boris. How are you?’ Tina asked him.