The Moonlight Monsters Detective Agency Volume One Read online

  ‘I’m fine, the little svoloch was no match for my claws.’

  Ok, well I’ve picked up three more of the bastards. Can you get down to the Piccadilly Mall out on the Eastside? I’m taking the car south to Bucolic Gardens for the last two.’

  ‘I’m on it,’ Boris nodded and hung up the phone.

  Tina hit the siren and swerved out of the car park. She burst out onto the street and, weaving around the traffic, made for the interstate.

  ‘Are you sure you’re alright love?’ Parker asked her, ‘you’re pale as a ghost.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ Tina answered, ‘just keep your mouth shut and let me focus on the road.’

  Ten minutes later they arrived at the huge parking lot of The Bucolic Gardens Shopping Mall. The car-park was quickly emptying – aided by a young uniformed cop, directing the traffic.

  ‘Shit,’ Tina muttered, ‘the normals are already here…’

  She killed the siren and gave an authoritative nod to the cop and he waved her on through. She’d have to put on a better show to get past the rest of them.

  As she pulled up to the police line, Tina mustered all of her concentration. She hated to use her gifts to trick people but sometimes there was no other choice. Casting a light mist over the police officers up ahead – just enough so that they’d mistake her for one of their own – Tina drove on up to the cordon.

  She rolled down the window as she approached the detective in charge.

  ‘How’s it looking in there?’ she asked him.

  ‘It’s Bedlam ma’am,’ the cop replied, ‘we’ve evacuated most of the shoppers but we think there’s probably still a few inside…’

  ‘Ok,’ Tina nodded, ‘I’m going in.’

  ‘Well good luck,’ the detective said, ‘we haven’t even got close. These dudes are serious.’ he looked past her to the pale vampire handcuffed in the back seat. ‘Everything ok with this guy?’ he asked, ‘you want us to hold on to him for you?’

  ‘No,’ Tina said, ‘he’s fine with me.’

  The detective waved her on and she drove closer to the main entrance of the mall.

  ‘Impressive stuff,’ Parker grinned, ‘but I thought you were supposed to be little Miss Morality?’

  Tina ignored him. She was more interested in picking up the Krampi. She filtered through the big glass walls of the mall, hitting the first one holed up in a shoe-store. The slimeball had taken a hostage – some kind of wannabe hero judging by the way it was currently taunting him. She continued on to the next demon and found it scaling the rafters making for the lights. It was planning to start an electrical fire.

  Tina jumped out of the car and opened the back door.

  ‘Get out and show me your hands,’ she barked to Parker. ‘I need your help in there, but if you cross me on this then so help me God.’

  Parker climbed out of the car and turned around to let her unlock his cuffs. ‘I’ve been straight with you so far, haven’t I?’ he said, ‘hell, I could still be up in Ardent Meadows if I wanted to be, sitting safe and sound in the tavern watching the game. Baseball’s for wankers but when you can’t get the footie it’s better than nothing, innit?’

  ‘Whatever,’ Tina muttered, ‘let’s go.’

  They hurried forward to the big glass automatic doors and stepped inside.

  ‘One of them’s making its way along the ceiling, pulling out all the wiring, the other’s hiding out in a shoe store screwing with a hostage.’

  ‘I’ll take the climber,’ Parker said.

  Tina watched with wonder as his pupils turned blood red and his canines stretched out into long white fangs. He smiled and then leapt up onto the balcony of the second floor. Then, with the agility of a cat, he jumped up onto the wall and started scaling his way up towards the rafters several feet overhead. Tina had to admit she was kind of impressed as she watched the night-crawler go.

  ‘Hey Parker!’ she called, ‘I better see you back here afterwards – we’ve still got unfinished business!’

  ‘Of course love,’ Parker shouted back as he climbed onto the ceiling, ‘I wouldn’t run out on you would I?’

  ‘Ha,’ Tina snorted and made for the shoe store.

  The Krampus was out back in the store-room, rifling through cardboard shoeboxes and flinging them about the room, while its hostage cowered in the corner. With her pistol drawn Tina moved closer to the door. She kicked it in and leveled her gun at the Krampus, but by the time she fired it had sprung across the room and wrapped its hairy arms around the poor prisoner.

  ‘Drop the hostage, slimeball,’ Tina warned, ‘or I put a bullet in your head.’

  ‘Fock off Bitch!’ the Krampus hissed. It started to squeeze its hooved claws into the guy’s shoulders, deep enough for him to cry out in pain.

  ‘Why don’t you try that shit with someone who can handle you?’ Tina asked him, ‘or are you just a Christmas Pussy?’

  ‘Ha! You think I’m stupid?’ the Krampus sneered, ‘I drop him and you just shoot me…’

  ‘Wow,’ Tina smiled, ‘you’re pretty quick – for a Krampus. I’ll tell you what: how about I drop the weapon and then you and me fight, hand to hand.’

  ‘I’d tear you to pieces…’

  Tina shrugged. ‘Why don’t we find out?’ Slowly she lowered her gun to the ground.

  ‘Kick it over here.’

  ‘Yeah right, so you can pick it up and shoot me?’

  The Krampus grinned, caught out in its ploy but too stupid to pretend otherwise.

  Tina stood up and flexed her arms. ‘Let’s do this.’

  ‘I’ll tear your head off and shit down your throat…’ the Krampus snarled.

  It dropped the hostage to the ground and darted towards her. As it leapt though the air, Tina whipped out Parker’s pistol and shot the Krampus twice in the head.

  The demon hit the floor and started seizing up, a disgusting guttural wheeze emanating from the back of its throat. Tina bent down to pick up her service weapon and then walked towards it. She raised her gun and shot the Krampus once more in the head – this time killing it for good.

  She turned to the hostage. He was your typical have-a-go hero, big shoulders and fit, probably played football in high-school. He looked like he’d think twice before stepping up the next time.

  ‘Get out of here,’ Tina told him, ‘take the exit closest to the door – there’s more of them in here.’

  The guy stared at her for a second. ‘What was that thing?’ he stuttered.

  ‘Terrorist – we think,’ Tina lied, ‘they’re in costume to up the fear factor. Terrorist by name, right?

  The dude ran out of the store-room and Tina followed after him to see how Parker was doing.

  She found him sitting down by a huge over-turned Christmas tree. He was smoking a cigarette.

  ‘Thought you would have run off by now.’

  ‘Yeah well, I told you I’d be here, didn’t I?’ Parker said.

  He turned to face her and Tina froze for a moment in shock. His chin was smeared with thick black blood that ran all down the front of his jacket.

  Shit,’ she said, ‘hungry were we?’

  ‘Piss off Tina,’ Parker answered seriously, ‘for your information Krampus blood tastes like the toilet water in a Peckham kebab shop. And you know I only drink pig’s blood…’

  Tina shrugged.

  ‘Maybe I’d be a bit more civil about it if you’d let me have my pistol,’ Parker muttered.

  ‘You want it back, show me a license.’

  ‘Ha! You know something Tina, you’re twice the thief I ever was.’

  Tina looked over his shoulder. There was more of the black blood splattered along the white tiles, but the Krampus was nowhere to be seen. ‘Where is it then?’

  ‘Behind Santa’s grotto,’ Parker said, taking a slow draw of his cigarette, ‘or at least his head is anyway – the body’s still up in the rafters. Got the bastard just before he fixed an open wire into the water sprinklers…’

  ‘Je
sus.’

  Tina took out her cell. She’d missed a text from Boris.

  “All clear out here,” it read, “you need back up?”

  Tina looked back to Parker. ‘Well you better get out of here,’ she said, ‘I’m not sure I can think of a good reason for the cops outside as to why my prisoner look like he just hunted down a wild boar with his bare hands and teeth.’

  Parker stood up. He looked a little surprised but obviously didn’t want to push it. ‘Can’t you just block it out of their minds?’ he asked her.

  Tina smiled. ‘Sure, I could. Doesn’t mean I want to.’

  Parker laughed. ‘You know something Peterson,’ he said, ‘you’re not nearly as straight-edge as you like to let on.’

  ‘Get out of here,’ Tina told him, ‘before I have a crisis of conscience and change my mind.’

  ‘You’re the boss,’ Parker said and turned to walk away. He turned back. ‘What about the cash?’

  ‘Tell you what, drop by the station some day this week. As long as you can provide proof of ownership, then the money’s yours.’

  A hint of uncertainty flashed across the vampire’s face for a second before he quelled it completely. ‘Sure,’ he shrugged, ‘no problem. Some day this week.’

  He turned away again and hissed as his vampire-side took over. He leapt to the second story of the mall and then up onto the ceiling.

  ‘Now you’re just showing off!’ Tina called after him.

  She opened her phone and dialed Boris as she walked back towards the main entrance.

  ‘Hey Tina,’ her partner answered, ‘I was getting worried.’

  ‘It’s over. Just finished putting down the last two. You ok?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ Boris said, ‘but there’s cops everywhere here – nobody’s noticed I’m not one of their own yet, but I’m making myself scarce as soon as I can.’

  ‘Cool, see you back at base then.’ She clicked the cell shut and stepped outside.

  As soon as she pulled back onto the Interstate Tina turned on the radio. She surfed the waves, looking for a news report. It was going to take a huge PR campaign to cover up this catastrophe alright, but thankfully that wasn’t her problem. The Byron Shelly Institute had its own special channels for that kind of thing. She hit on a newscast and listened in.

  ‘And the headlines again,’ the broadcaster spoke, ‘what has been called the heist of the century has taken place in a downtown bank today…’

  ‘What?’ Tina muttered, ‘no shit?’

  ‘Reports are still coming in, but an estimated half a billion dollars has been seized. In other news a series of bizarre attacks have taken place at Shopping Malls around the city, the disturbances having been cited as a reason for the poor police response to the earlier bank robbery…’

  ‘Jesus,’ Tina muttered. Was it a coincidence? Or had the Krampus attacks all just been some kind of elaborate large-scale diversion for the real crime? If that was the case then whoever’d gotten away with all that money had some serious sway in the Supernatural world. Transporting a gang of Krampi to the states was no small deal. But the real question was whether or not Parker knew. Once again Tina found herself wishing she hadn’t let the vampire slip through her fingers so easily.

  The newscast ended and the deluge of Christmas classics began again. Well, Tina reflected, she still had Parker’s money so chances were she’d get to ask him in person soon enough.

  As Frank Sinatra sang “I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day” she reflected for a moment that she still hadn’t gotten a chance to do her Christmas shopping yet. It was the same every year – never enough time. She pulled the car off the interstate and rejoined the interminable traffic of Moonlight City. Oh well, she sighed as she looked out at the bright lights overhead, there wasn’t much else to do now but just sit back and try to enjoy the music.

  # # #

  Sand Wedged

  The boardwalks of Moonlight City were swarmed with revelers and party-goers – hardly surprising since it was new years’ eve – and Tina Peterson pushed her way past them as she followed the wooden sidewalk down along the line of casinos, hotels and restaurants that overlooked the Atlantic Ocean.

  It was a clean, crisp night and the sea was calm beneath the sparse black sky. The calm before the storm perhaps, Tina reflected and she didn’t mean the midnight blowout that would cause a furor amongst the partiers in an hour or two.

  Tina Peterson was a detective, but not with the regular police force. She worked for the Moonlight City SDA – the Supernatural Detective Agency, also known as the Moonlight Monsters Detective Agency to those familiar with the more unconventional citizens of the city – and tonight she wasn’t on the Boardwalk for pleasure. (Hardly, she snorted as some drunken frat boy barged past her on his way to the ocean-side of the boardwalk and threw up a deluge of sick over the railings.)

  No, tonight she was here on a case – just like she had been every night for the past half-week. Because something strange was happening along the beaches and coastlines of Moonlight City. Though just what exactly, she still wasn’t sure.

  It had all started a few days earlier – just after Christmas in fact, since fate had a way of making sure Tina never seemed to have any time off at all – when reports of a minor-earthquake on the coast began to emerge. Strange? Certainly, since Moonlight City was fairly far away from any fault lines, but supernatural? Hardly.

  Or so she’d thought. But within two hours of catching the first report of the tremors on the news Tina got a call from Ernie the Egghead, the local agency’s lab technician and IT guy (and stranded extra-terrestrial alien, as he just so happened to be). Ernie said he had a problem and needed her back at the office as soon as possible. And no, it couldn’t wait.

  So Tina had had to bid farewell to her family early and leave her parents’ house upstate to return to Moonlight City and the grind of Supernatural Detection. Oh well, at least some day she’d be retired and could then do all the things a normal person gets to do – if she made it that long, that was.

  When she arrived back at HQ her partner Boris Rachmaninoff was already there, looking even more irate than she was about getting called back in on a case. Boris was a werebear – a man who can turn into a bear at will – who’d emigrated from Russia after the Berlin Wall fell twenty years previously. His wife had died a couple of years back and now he juggled looking after his huge clan of offspring with his career with the SDA. When he was off on the job his sister looked after the kids.

  Not long after that Ernie scuttled in on his little mechanical walker (Ernie, as an alien greyling, was no more than three feet tall and used a machine to compensate). He had a wad of documents in his hand, which was never a good sign, and proceeded to tell the detectives that whatever it was that was happening underneath the beaches of Moonlight City, a natural occurrence it most certainly was not.

  So it wasn’t an earthquake, Tina could accept that easily enough (she’d seen far too much weirdness in her time with the Detective Agency to maintain anything but the most open of minds), but as for what it actually was, Ernie could only guess.

  ‘Hey,’ he shrugged, scrunching his wrinkly little gray shoulders, ‘you guys are meant to be the detectives – you figure it out…’

  So here she was walking up and down the crowded boardwalk, trying not to get drink spilled on her or hit on or, hell, even puked on. And she still had no idea what she was dealing with. But she could feel something…

  There hadn’t been anymore rumblings since the first day, but the reason Tina and Boris kept coming back was because she was picking up on something. Something very strange, far beneath the wooden boardwalks. As a human-demon hybrid (she was an eight demon on her mother’s side) Tina was gifted with certain extrasensory abilities – the most pronounced of which was telepathy. And she could feel something, every night they’d come down to the shore she’d felt something, something alive.

  But what, she hadn’t a clue. Whatever it was it seemed to be asleep or
unconscious – or at the very least so dumb that it couldn’t even form its thoughts into basic needs and desires. But it was there. And if it was big enough to show up on the Richter scale as a minor earthquake then sooner or later there was going to be trouble.

  ‘Anything down your end?’ she spoke into her walky-talky.

  ‘bzzzt... Nada, nothing yet,’ Boris replied.

  Boris was down at the other end of the beach at a vantage point out on the fairground pier from which he could get a view on the entirety of the ocean vista. Lucky for him.

  ‘It’s all safe so far up here,’ Tina said. She glanced warily at a pair of drunk youngsters sizing up to each other for a fight. ‘Comparatively at least…’

  She affixed the radio-transmitter back to her belt and continued walking up the wooden avenue.

  Out across the still black ocean, fireworks exploded against the sky in a kaleidoscope of shapes and colors. Tina inched down a stairwell onto the beach to get away from the noise as a thousand liquored-up citizens congratulated each other on surviving yet another year. She passed by a couple making out by the pillars and stepped down onto the cool sand.

  ‘Well Happy new year then Boris…’

  ‘Ha…’ the Russian replied, ‘what’s happy about it?’

  Tina smiled. ‘Well for one thing, whatever’s lying dormant underneath us managed to sleep through the commotion, so if it can wait a couple of hours than we might avoid a large-scale disaster.’

  ‘The only disaster is working on New Years Eve.’

  ‘So far,’ Tina shrugged, ‘anyway, I’m going to give it a minute and then start walking back down towards you. Hopefully things will quiet down a bit now. See you soon…’

  She clicked off the mike and looked out across the dark ocean. She glanced over her shoulder at the young couple on the steps. The guy raised his hand and waved.

  ‘Happy new years,’ he said.

  ‘Happy new years,’ Tina smiled and looked back out to sea.